Thoughts & Random Complexities: Nonsensical Rants

I’m getting there. Sob. Repeat, ten times. I know it must be bothersome to read these blog posts that seem to take you to the mounds of misery and unhappiness. It’s almost the end of 2017 and I’m still stuck. It’s a never-ending proverbial ranting. But, I want to take time and empower myself and other women.

Note to self: Stop! You are better than this. You are a strong, independent woman who has a lot to offer. You have surpassed all the difficult challenges in your life and here you are, strong and still standing. You are a queen of your own decisions and choices. You are a purpose-driven individual who knows what she wants in life and doesn’t give a f@#$ about what everyone will say, as long as you’re happy. You are a woman of character that lives in respect, loyalty and honesty. You have been broken but you will pick up the pieces, rebuild yourself from the remnants of pain and come back up stronger than ever. You do not need a man. You are a woman that a man needs. Your worth is within yourself, you don’t find your worth in a man or others. You are always determined to achieve your goals for your own satisfaction not because others wanted you to pursue it. You are fierce and your passion reverberates louder than your fears. Life has knocked you down a few times, you experienced things you never wanted to experience, and felt sadness and rejection. One thing is for sure, you will always get up. You know what you bring to the table and you are never afraid to eat alone. You are a diamond. You started off with a rough patch and through the process, you became harder and sparkles with great light. Do not shatter. Do not wince. Instead, give life a wink and anticipate what the future has to offer.

So let’s be clear, you are a S-T-R-O-N-G woman! Do not let anyone make you feel otherwise. You are worthy. Happiness will find you.

 

 

Realizations: Lessons in Life

Life brings us various challenges everyday. The people we meet, the experiences we have, the winnings and losses we acquire; and the never ending struggles we have to face, mold us to a more resilient individual that could brave any storm that comes along.

Strength is a powerful word, however, we only learn that we possess this specific power when we are faced with the most difficult situation. We often wallow ourselves in misery and self-pity because we want to play the victim. Playing the victim is the easiest solution to resolve our problem. It does not require any thinking and reflection thus, it continuously buries our strength in the depths of our soul. Strength will be unused and we would end up in the darkest tunnel. End result? Angst, misery and frustration. If we get lucky, we will end up being depressed and life has slowly ticked away without us realizing it.

The people we meet would play a significant role in our lives. They may bring joy, pleasure, sadness and disappointment. At the end of the day, this roller coaster of emotions may affect our outlooks in life. We never realize how much the emotions we invested on these people. Happiness, joy and pleasure should start within ourselves. Disappointments are normal. We may be disappointed because we expected other people to act according to what we wanted and when they do not meet our standards, we end up feeling angry and frustrated. It was never the other people who made us feel this way. It was all along, ourselves. Expectations hurt. Misery is a choice. Happiness is doable. It is only us who could make these unnecessary feelings go away and choose living our life again, happily.

The winnings and losses teach us a lesson. One day, we would be in a total bliss due to successes and endless opportunities. Next thing, failures. The latter is more difficult to deal with. Failures would make us question our capabilities. What am I? Am I worth it? Should I continue doing this? Will I still succeed? Should I just quit? Again, quitting is never the best option. Take time to reflect and fix the problem. There’s a reason why winning and losing are together. It promotes a constant balance in our universe. Instead of quitting and losing hope, channel the frustration to create something unique. Learn from it. Your weakness is your strength. Utilize everything and the next thing you know, the remnants of your losses will lead to a path of greatness.

Prepare yourself to meet new people, face more challenges, learn new lessons and more importantly, let yourself grow into a more mature individual. Be strong, you got this!

Ottawa Photography: Tulip Festival 2017

Just some collection of photos I took during the 2017 Tulip Fest in Ottawa.

Goals for 2018

Even though my heart is bleeding and aching, I am focusing on the following goals for 2018:

• Pass my CPNRE and get my permanent nursing license
• Buy a car
• Start working in two hospitals
• Apply for Canadian citizenship
• Go home and see my family
• Travel Asia and Europe
• Move to a nicer condo
• Go to the gym religiously and lose 20 lbs. of weight
• Attend my graduation that didn’t happen this year
• Meet my friends more and bond with them
• Start paying off my student loans little by little
• Post wonderful blogs
• Buy a beginner’s camera
• Doodle more

Saddest Christmas

It’s been a while since I went home. For eight Christmases, I spent them all in a foreign country. This is by far, the saddest of them all. I was trying my best to cope and move on from my recent breakup and it’s slowly eating me day by day. I love him and I know he doesn’t feel the same anymore. I’ve pictured myself being with him, happy and contented.

Three weeks and I’m still on the same spot. I’m usually strong and could face anything, but this time, I guess I really fell into a deep hole. My guards were down and I just let him swallow the whole of me. He made it seem that he loved me, that he cared about me and I was all that mattered to him. The relationship went hot to cold and I would have tried anything to salvage it. I remembered how he looked at me with his gentle eyes and whisper I love you. Then at a snap, it changed.

Days passed and we became stagnant. I was willing to fix it, work on our differences. Maybe I became too comfortable and maybe I was not capable to make him happy anymore.

I wonder if…

…he still thinks about me.

…what happened to our relationship?

…what did I do wrong to make him go away?

…am I not enough?

I never pressured him to do anything he doesn’t like. I would ask him if he wants to do anything and he would be adamant to do what I was suggesting. I do enjoy his company even though he doesn’t enjoy the things I like to do. I just didn’t know that it bothered him so much that he has to drop me like a hot potato.

I respect him so much that when he asked for a little bit of a space, I just gave it to him. Little did I know that he already made up his mind and the break that we were having was his way of slowly easing away from our relationship.

It hurts. I have never been hurt like this before. I loved him dearly and I still love him. I don’t know how long can I recover from this feeling but I know it may take a while. I’m trying, I really am. But when everything becomes quiet and I’m alone, I can’t help but be sad. I hope I can recover and move on totally. I will be able to.

The sadness that lurks in my heart right now is indescribable. I hope he’s happy.

I hope I can be happy soon, that’s all I am praying for.

 

 

The Beginning of the End

He said he needed time to think about our relationship. That was louder than the bomb that has been dropped at Nagasaki and Hiroshima during the World War II. I thought everything was perfect. Wrong.

When he whispered, “I love you,” my world turned colourful and I saw fairy dust in the air. Loving someone and being in a relationship are probably one of the greatest aphrodisiac in this life time. You savour every moment and you’re magically taken to a place you’ve never been before.

I loved it when he opened the doors for me and treated me like a princess. How he gently stared at me every time, gave me butterflies in my stomach. He would look at me sweetly and give me kisses. We would share jokes and laugh together happily as a couple.

Fast forward to the day he became cold and indifferent. I don’t know what to do or say to him, because I don’t want to drive him away. I was never good at confrontations. I was scared to lose him. What went wrong? What have I done wrong? Did I upset him? How could I fix it?

So, he wanted his space and I gave it to him. And by giving it to him, he will realize that he loves me and we can look into our differences. Wrong again.

After a week of endless wallowing in my tears, various distractions and late night contemplation, he finally sent me a text. “Good morning, how are you?” My heart jumped. Would he say he missed me? Would he say he loves me and will stay with me? Will we find a way to iron out our differences? But, no. He wanted to meet and talk in person. Suddenly, my heart started to throb very fast. I know I would’t like what he will tell me, so I told him to call me and just tell me over the phone. He called me. The conversation was very casual. I went directly to the point and asked how did his “thinking about our relationship” went? He just replied with zero emotion, “I’m sorry, I don’t think we can continue.” I was shocked.

I did see it coming but when I heard those words, I just became speechless. It’s real. Oh, is this happening? I wanted to sob but I told myself to be strong. I asked him what was his reason and I couldn’t remember the exact words he said. I just knew that what it meant was he doesn’t love me anymore. Initially, we had a discussion about our differences and these were rubbing off a bit, according to him. That I don’t do what he likes to do and he doesn’t want to do what I like to do. And oh, that I wanted to have a kid some time in the future and he doesn’t. Not in his plans, not going to change.

At that point, I wasn’t able to dissect the situation. I just said okay and began sobbing. I ended the call and I was left alone in my room trying to absorb what happened.

The process of moving on was difficult. You meet a person who became your world, shared your everyday experiences with and loved unconditionally; and the next thing you know, they’re a total stranger. You’ll wonder what went wrong and blame yourself for the end of the relationship. You’ll try to reason out for this person and lose all your rational thinking because you want to convince yourself that it’s still going to work. You’ll remember all the good memories you had and cry at the end realizing that it has already ended. Gone. It’s a done deal. He left you. He dumped you.

This person who you gave your heart away to and treated with utmost respect did this to you. He doesn’t care what you think or how you feel. He doesn’t take into consideration if you’ll be hurt or break your heart. He doesn’t even ask how you felt and only cares about how he feels. He is a self-serving human being. He doesn’t care about you, he just cares about himself!

What to do? Move on! The end of this relationship is a beginning of endless opportunities to explore the world of single-hood. Embrace it while it lasts. Keep your head up high. You’re beautiful, kind and sweet. You will find a person who would appreciate what you can offer and treat you like a fragile glass. The end of a relationship is not the end of your happiness. It teaches a lesson of strength, self-improvement and determination. Yes. Embrace it. Most importantly, cut yourself some slack and don’t blame yourself. It was never your fault. Some things just don’t work out the way we wanted them to. This is just the beginning. Smile and move forward.

 

Mantra

Life is easy. Wrong. Years ago, my perception was as a simple as this. After finishing my Nursing degree back home (Philippines), I felt as if I own the world. The experience was surreal. I was dreamy and then comes defeat. And then you’re doomed, the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be getting farther and farther.

For many reasons, I gathered myself up and tried to overcome these hurdles. If one is unlucky, I would consider myself the superlative of those. Surely, if I didn’t survive those storms, I would have been 6-feet under (just an exaggeration).

My aunt would always lecture me on how ‘real life’ is. Those two words always rang my ears, repetitively. So there would be times when I have to mumble in tears, self-pitying. Why, though? You can’t force the universe to just make everything happen, according to your own inclination. It just doesn’t happen that way. It’s magically designed to fall into place according to its rhythm.

So, what now? Now is the time to embrace what lies ahead. Savor it, live with it and continue those efforts. The fruits of your labor would surely give you the greatest accomplishment you will ever encounter. Be grateful. Spread those wings and look unto the world, tell yourself, you are more mature, sensible and strong. Live each day with gratitude and humility. Love, there’s so much to give and be taken in return. Life will be fantastic starting from now. Don’t forget, goodness is vital, it’s your secret ingredient to life’s complicated recipe.—ANNE

 

The Finest Season: Autumn

Beneath the golden leaves of those maple trees was a dream come true. This country offered me various opportunities my own home cannot. Although at times, I feel rough and topsiturvy, I could still count my blessings.

The fallen leaves represent every defeat, misery & anguish I had. Regrets? No. For every Autumn that comes & goes, is a soul that is hungry for new experiences and adventures.

How to Get There

Just one of those nights when sleep doesn’t come at all. Playing my thoughts around with life’s struggles keep me up all night. From a day’s exhaustion of endless working to being alone in the four corners of my room. My body says rest, yet my mind is just beginning to awaken. But I wish I could think of happy thoughts at this point. Sadness seeps in. The reason? Unknown. My tiredness comes from dealing with the people around me. I can’t, I just can’t.

My life was simpler then. Simpler but happier. Or maybe I got older. Sometimes, I wish I have a magic wand to undo my mistakes in the past. It’s eating me. I can’t get by. Maybe I need someone to help me. One thing that I need is a person to talk with. Someone who would listen and not judge me of who I am. The internet can provide me all the answers I need, but it doesn’t console me totally. It doesn’t listen to me.

Maybe I’m looking for something which I haven’t found yet. Or I will never find. How do I get there? Only time will tell.